Marriage Jokes

• She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
  "Who was it?" he asked.
  "My husband," she replied.
  "I better get going," he said.
  "Where was he?"
  "Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you."
  

• Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in Sydney.
  Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!
  

• A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up in the Snowy Mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
  
  "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".
  The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"
  

• Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
  

• Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
  

• Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :
  - The Engagement Ring
  - The Wedding Ring
  - The Suffer-Ring
  - The Endue-Ring
  

• Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
  - In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
  - In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
  - In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
  

• Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
  

• There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
  

• Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
  

• When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
  

• They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.
  

• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
  

• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
  a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear,
  but I was in love and didn't notice it."
  

• It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,
  he still ends up with the same boss.
  

• A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
  day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
  "You can have mine."
  

• When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
  

• A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
  

• A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
  millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
  The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
  

• "A young girl boards Flight QA3345 from Sydney to New York and finds a seat in 1st class.  As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket.   The young girl hand's over her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied:
  "I'm sorry, but you are in the wrong seat" in a helpful manner.
  ""I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!"" replied the young girl.
  The Stewardess was surprised at the young girl's answer, so she decided to call the Senior Steward.

The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade to 1st, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear.
""I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!"" replied the young girl in a firmer tone.

The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so she asked the Co-pilot to try and resolve this matter.  So the Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl.
"Excuse me Miss, but your sat in the wrong seat" said the Co-pilot.
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl.
"I'm sorry Miss, but if you don't move to your proper seat, I'll have to ask you to leave the aircraft" replied the Co-pilot.
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!" replied the young girl.
Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.

"Let me sort her out" said the Captain.
The Captain then approached the young girl and whispered in her ear.

As the Captain returned to the Flight-deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft towards her proper seat.
"Cor, what did you say to her?" asked the Co-pilot.
To which the Captain replied:  "I told her 1st class wasn't going to New York"

• My friend married a doctor.
  At a certain point he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
  Shortly thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
  "Why?" asked her hubby.
  "You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
  I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she told him.
  

• A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12
  times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at
  their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to  be gentle. I am still a virgin."
  
  This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that
  at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform.  He
  asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:
  
  My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire
  marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
  
  My second husband was from Software Services; he was never
  quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would
  send  me documentation.
  
  My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that
  everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
  
  My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know
  the  old saying-'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'
  
  My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department.  He knew
  he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be
  able  to deliver.
  
  My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood
  the basic process but needed three years to research, implement,
  and design a new state-of-the-art method.
  
  My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew
  how,  but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
  
  My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me
  that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
  
  My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had
  the product. he just wasn't sure how to position it.
  
  My tenth husband was a psychiatrist.  All he ever wanted to do
  was  talk about it.
  
  My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted
  to do was look at it.
  
  My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted
  to  do was . . .-God I miss him!
  
  So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
  
  "Why is that," asked the lawyer.
  
  "Well, it should be obvious!  You're a lawyer!!  I just know
  I'm going to get screwed this time!

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